Regressing With Mummy

Yesterday was my day off and so I made my way to my familial home to spend some time with my mother. It was quite lovely - a little tea time, some reading in the sun etc. My mother then asked me if I would care to run some errands with her - she was was in the market for a new barbie.

I looked up from my book and inquired, "But didn't you and Dad just buy a new barbeque last year?"

Mummy's excited response: "No dear, not a barbeque.....a BARBIE. A Barbie Doll! It's the 50th anniversary and I'm going to get the original!"

After a 5 minute silence from which I barely recovered, I took to my computer to look up this Barbie phenomenon. Apparently Mumsy isn't alone in this quest for doll nostalgia. Mattel, the company responsible for the production of this iconic plastic lady, bases their quarterly earnings around the releases of this broad!

I made a few (in my mind) hilarious comments/puns about this doll fixation in my Mum's direction, only to be informed with a sideways glance that "You wouldn't understand, because you were never really a Barbie girl anyhow," "Your sister totally gets it," and "We gave you Fraggle Rock dolls instead, and you cut all the hair off" as if I was as devious as The Beltway Sniper during childhood. My mother really is good at the casual yet measured burn. Must. Take. Notes.

She also reminded me of the fact that I received Ken and my twin sister received Barbie three Christmases in a row. She informed me that this was done because I really liked watching hockey with my Dad and because I played with all the boys. Right. It's a testament to the power of evolution that I don't live in a one bedroom off 47th and Fraser listening to Ani DFranco records and cruising for lipsticks on craigslist.

So back to Barbie. She is f$%king 50....shouldn't she want to be called Barbara, or even Barb by now? I asked my mother if there was such a thing as "Cougar" Barbie and was met with a look I can only describe as "You're No Longer Welcome For Dinner."

Listen, someone - Skipper, maybe Midge etc. - should really tell Barbie that Ken is gay. His Rock Hudson schtick isn't fooling anyone.